The perfectly cleaned house, laundry done and folded, dishes done, children are eating their vegetable and reading on their free time. Home cooked meals for every single meal. Sculpted body makeup done and not a hair out of place.
Is this your life? If it is then please tell me your secret. My life is the complete opposite. And yet, the guilt for not having these things overwhelm us. We all feel the pressure to be perfect. What makes it worse? Mom shaming!
What is Mom Shaming?
Mom shaming is making a mother feel bad for what she is or isn’t doing for her kids. In other words this is called mom bullying. It may be an innocent question “How do you balance work and being a mom?” well let me tell you… if you find an answer to that question please tell me. Because I do not think there is one simple answer to that question. “oh yes let me give you my magic potion that allows me to be everywhere at once.” Please someone invent that.
Mom shaming can be boasting about your own child and their special abilities. “My child has been sleeping through the night since they were 6 weeks old” Well good for you! My child still doesn’t sleep through the night.
How about the time when you heard a snarky comment say “If that was my child then I’d…” Mom Shaming! “I’d never allow that behavior.” Mom
Shaming! “I could never send my child to daycare!” Oh yes mom shaming! Just because some mothers do things differently does not mean they are right or wrong.
Does anybody ask a father “how do you balance work and being a father?” We as women claim to all for feminism and yet we are critical on mothers for working outside of the home and sending their children to daycare. “I could never be away from my child for that long.” “I don’t want other people raising my children”.
However, if a mother decides to stay home with their children then people make comments like “You’re just a mom?” or “If I stayed home I would go crazy.” Yes, I am just a mom. Let me tell you being just a mom is the hardest thing I have ever done! Who else has a boss who literally cannot decide what color plate they want and if you choose the wrong one they have a complete melt down!
Can we honestly claim to be feminist when we are so critical to mothers for making their own life decisions based on what works for them? Isn’t that what feminism is supposed to be? It has become a warped sense that women must be men. I do not want to be a man, I wish to be a woman, and I want to stay at home. That is my choice, why must we make each other feel bad about it.
How to deal with mom shaming
DON’T MOM SHAME! If you are shaming others about their choices, then please knock it off. Instead why don’t you offer suggestions. “Hey, I notice your having a hard time with your child screaming in the supermarket. You could try offer the child a reward if they are good in the store. That worked for me. Don’t worry, a little screaming never hurt anyone.”You can support that mother who may feel overwhelmed and underappreciated. “Your doing a great job!”, “I noticed your having a hard time how can I help you?” or just talk to the child, make them laugh, ask why they are sad.
- Remember the phrase I’m rubber your glue everything you say bounces off me and sticks to you? Please apply that here. Maybe don’t say it out loud but don’t let their words stick to you. Smile at them and say “I am glad that worked for you. Do you have any suggestions that I should try?” This is easier said then done but just like a bully doesn’t know how to respond to kindness a mom bully may be taken back by your kindness.
- Understand that when a bully is picking on your it usually means they are struggling with their own self esteem. Mom shamer’s may struggle just as much as you are. They want you to feel bad just like they do. Misery loves company.
- If you encounter a mom shamer then stay away from them. Only allow supportive moms into your mom tribe.
- Try lightening the mood with humor. “Wow, If my child screamed like that I’d be so embarrassed” “oh she isn’t screaming, we are practicing our singing voices”.
- Be confident in your mom self. This is the hardest one to do. Mom shaming only hurts when you in fact are susceptible to other’s opinions. Don’t let their opinions matter. Don’t let yourself feel guilty when you are doing the best you can.
Please watch this video and apply that she says Kristina Kuzmic!
Quotes to remember
I want you to choose a quote, memorize it, and apply it to your life. This will be a motto for yourself. It is like your “Hakuna Matta” but unique to you and your circumstance. Find something that speaks to you and comforts you when Mom shaming occurs. Something to just remind you that you matter and you are a great mother.
“Mom Shaming is only bullying”
“Feminism is about giving women the choice to be and do what they want”
“People only have power over you if your give it to them”
“You are not alone, we have all be there and we all go through this”
“Nobody is perfect”
You are their Mother!
My mother once told me you were meant to have that child/children. They are apart of you and they were entrusted to you. God gave you that little being because he knew that you were the best mother for that child. He did not give him or her to the Kardashians. (sorry first famous family I thought of, I now have a bad taste in my mouth) You were meant to be their mother. Remember that because only you can be their mother.